My top tips on how to get over a breakup

I’m writing a book at the moment. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, and having had various friends and family constantly asking me when I’m going to do one, I eventually gave in. After all, I love to write and it’s a big part of my job!

My book will include things like finding love, having your heart broken, losing loved ones to heaven, careers and other various challenges in life etc and how we survive it all. I will be basing my book in my favourite part of the UK, Cornwall and will be using a lot of my own personal experiences as well as making it up through research and so on. Who knows whether it will make the bookshelves, but one strength I have built on since running my own business is having faith in myself, and pushing myself to the extreme. If I want something, I will fight like hell to go and get it!

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One of the chapters I’m writing about at the moment is getting over a break up … something I can really relate to. This chapter is based on a personal experience, and those that know me will be aware that I endured 5/6 years or so of being treated very badly by a selfish, heartless human being. The things I put up with as I look back are awful… to include having a daughter hidden from me for the first 3 years of the relationship, inappropriate texts from other women, hiding his phone from me all the time, cancelling seeing me all the time, making no effort to see me, disappearing every night until about 10.30pm, constant lies, lack of effort in our relationship, cheating rumours and of course the absolute ball breaker for me, which was telling me that he wouldn’t be coming to my dads funeral when I found out he didn’t have much longer to live. I ended it there and then as by that point enough was enough. So it got me thinking… How the hell did I come out of that when I left him? As well as all the times I’ve been dumped? How do we get through it?

Some people are very lucky and never get their heart hurt. But mostly people do get hurt in some shape or form.

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For me, I first had my heart properly broken at aged 19 by my first love. I met Darren in my halls at university. He was devoted to me, and me him, and then sadly after 2 years his mum and dad moved to Australia. Darren had to make the agonising decision whether to go with them and leave me, or stay. Well of course he went. I was only 19, he a little older and it’s a good job he didn’t stay because we weren’t the right ones for each other. I remember the moment he told me so well… I collapsed against the front door as I saw him leave for the last time and broke down in tears. The next day mum picked me up and took me home for 2 weeks. The pain was unbearable –  I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, but with my family support after 2 weeks I was ok. I went back to university and although sad, I started to move on with my life. Another experience in my final year of university left me heart broken too. I fell for my house mates brother, and despite me knowing he didn’t want to commit to a relationship we acted like we were in one. I fell for him pretty quick and he ended it via text because I eventually told him I wanted more. I was devastated, and admittedly acted a bit mental. You know, constant texting, calling, absolute desperation and denial. I was 22, it’s allowed ha. Again, mum and dad scooped me up for a couple of weeks and then I was back to uni as good as new. The saddest thing of all though was that I lost my house mates friendship after that. Something I’ve never got back…

And then there was my ex which was just a whole new level of deception and betrayal. Getting over him I actually realised I’d fallen out of love a long time before hand due to the way he treated me. The realisation that he didn’t love me, probably never did and that I deserved so much better was what helped me get move forwards after the break up. If somebody can’t be there for your Dad’s funeral, they will never be there for you.

All my experiences have made me stronger each time it’s happened so now I make sure I don’t mug myself off. I don’t act all psychotic – I’m an adult now and have much more decorum than that. I have enough self respect to realise that actually, a person that hurts you isn’t the person you deserve, and they can’t love you the way you love them. So actually…. it’s a gain and not a loss that they’ve left!

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Going through a break up is never easy, but it’s so important to remember that it’s only temporary. But the one thing I have learnt is that it is up to you to pick yourself up off the floor, to get out of the miersable hole you’re in and move on with your life, especially if there are kids involved. They can’t witness their mum or dad falling apart as they need to see them strong. It’s mind over matter, so here are my top tips based on my own personal experiences for getting over a breakup … I hope they help!

Firstly, there are stages, similar to having somebody you love leave this world. These comprise of shock, denial, psychotic anger, denial, grieving, more shock, anger, even more denial, more crying and then eventually acceptance. Nobody can possibly move forwards until they reach acceptance but you will come out of it ok, I promise!

My Top ’17’ Tips

1. Remember this feeling of sadness is only temporary, no matter how long your relationship was for. You can feel better in only a few weeks or months if you accept it’s over and allow yourself to move forwards.

2. Remind yourself all the time why it ended and how long the relationship had really been failing. Usually there are signs for a while that it wasn’t working.

3. If he or she hurt you, have some self respect and remember that you deserve better, and better is out there. Remind yourself that they couldn’t have loved you like you loved them if they are capable of hurting you. They wouldn’t leave you if they loved you.

4. Remove painful memory triggers.

5. Accept they’re gone and they’re never coming  back. No matter what you say or do, if they wanted to be with you, they would. For example my ex never chased me when I left him, he just let me go. After 6 years of being together… I had to keep reminding myself of this to stop myself from contacting him. I kept reminding myself he couldn’t have loved me, which if course he didn’t. 

breakup-quote-86. Get up out of bed every morning, don’t cry and mope – it won’t help.

7. Exercise – release those happy hormones.

8. Don’t send constant messages to your ex. You only come across as desperate and pathetic. Yes it hurts but if that person still loved you, they’d be with you.

9. Go and see your friends as much as you can.

10. Make your bed every day. This helps provide a cosy, welcoming aura when you go to bed and trust me, when you’re hurting, getting to sleep is fricking hard! You need all the help you can get.

11. Clean the house and keep it tidy. It’s good for keeping yourself in a positive environment. Also, if you are a freak like me the process of cleaning will make you feel better. 

12. Go out and do things to keep your mind preoccupied.

13. Write a list of things you want to achieve in life, and then go out there and achieve them! This will help you feel so good about yourself and being single means you can go out and do it. No ties!

14. Avoid alcohol. Booze makes one really emotional, especially when you’re feeling rubbish already. You do not want to regret sending ‘inappropriate’ texts or calls. You’ll only embarrass and piss off your ex.

15. Don’t talk to them or see them unless you really have to. If kids are involved then an element of communication is required but keep it to what is really needed. You can’t possibly move forwards if you’re in touch with your ex all the time.

16. Don’t stalk them and/or their new partner on social media, it’s only torturing yourself. Don’t allow your friends to do this for you either. It will do you no good.

17. And last but not least, remember to take care of yourself!!!!

If you can do most or all of those things you’d be amazed at how strong you actually are, and how much quicker you can move forwards which will make you feel so much better. Before you know it you will meet somebody else who will make you feel just fabulous. You’ll look back and think why the hell did I shed so many tears over that loser?!

I’m now thirty and very happy with my partner, with four wonderful step children, a dog and 12 fish. We will have been together for almost 2 years and before I met him, I wondered if there were any decent men left.

It’s amazing how life works out. At the time of grief you think you’re going to die. The pain in your chest is so over whelming, the feeling of nausea so intense but the feelings soon pass. It doesn’t take long to start building your life up again, but you have to mentally want to do that, otherwise you will just remain in that hole for years.

I hope my post helps. Good luck! If you think there is anything else that would help people please do post below.

Lots of love, Lucy xxx

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A ‘sparkler’ of a weekend with lots of bangs, cheers, chanting and step son selfies…. not to mention a rather awkward moment re a pig shed!

Now let me start you with a song that I made up ….. I’m sure we could make the X Factor final with this one as everybody was singing it around the bonfire!!! F to the I to the R to the E…. fire WORKS, fire WORKS! (repeat 3 times)

Well I can only be talking about Bonfire Night of course… ! Along with the rest of the nation, I celebrated this colourful event, and for the 2nd year in a row, I did so at a friends house with a bunch of friends and my eldest step children.

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Our bonfire

You cannot beat a good fireworks display. As a child, every year we went to a village display  in Chiddingfold, held on the village green. My grandparents used to live within walking distance so each year we’d wrap up warm and venture down with our torches eager to see what this year would bring. As I got older, and my grandparents moved to Haslemere, this ten year tradition soon faded away. I went to Plymouth University (where I celebrated for 4 years on The Hoe), travelled Australia (where I saw none) then moved to London where again, never went to a display. Was it really going to be like that forever? Stuck at home doing absolutely nothing. No firework to see, no sparklers to hold?

Then hooray I became a step mum! GREAT excuse to get my wellies out again and head to a display… except this time we had our very own and I have to say… I prefer doing the whole fireworks thing at home rather than being pushed and shoved at a public display, having to worry about getting a drink, going to the toilet etc.

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The amazing Guy Fawkes cake

James’ lovely friend Peter* lives in a gorgeous country house in Plaistow and has very kindly hosted 2 bonfire parties 2 years in a row for us. We’ve always brought my eldest step children along as it happens to fall on their weekend and this year, there were around 20 of us all together. Everybody brought food, alcohol, sparklers and fireworks. After a delicious chilli con carne and jacket potatoes, and a Guy Fawkes cake made by a friend, we opened more prosecco, lit the bonfire and ‘oooohhhh’d and ahhhh’d away.

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Preparing the feast

A mixture of children and adults, the prosecco was pouring whilst the children ran around the bonfire keeping warm. Me and my friend Bryony had a few nervous moments whilst we watched our partners light the fireworks at the other end of the garden, who thankfully managed not to blow themselves up. They delivered a spectacular fireworks display all very safely I might add, away from the crowd – in fact out by the pig shed (don’t worry, there are no pigs in there anymore!)

Bryony and I came up with a chant as a play on words for Honey G – this awful singer in this year’s X Factor. It went something like this … thankfully video footage cannot be obtained! *coughs*… F to the I to the R to the E…. fire WORKS, fire WORKS! All of the children loved this so it wasn’t long before everybody joined in just before each firework was lit.

There was also a slight confusion as to what the pig shed was being used for … my friend and her partner, and other couples, kept ‘disappearing’ over there away from the children, and so I thought they were up to some hanky panky that I wanted to get involved with (separately from them, I’m not that kinky!!) Except it turns out it was a smoking spot and not somewhere to erm…. how do I put this… somewhere to get jiggy?! Thankfully my friends saw the funny side but I was ever so mortified that I assumed the wrong thing! Apparently it was a good idea…. who knows what happened after that. I avoided the pig shed just in case

{Check out my Instagram for video shoots of some of the firework displays… }

You cannot beat the sound of children laughing. I always say this and to see everybody smiling and looking happy, it was a good feeling. Strangely it made me think of my Dad. I remember smiling to myself as he would have hated what we were doing bless him … he was all healthy and safety my Dad.

But I do have a super relationship with my step children. Those two boys are very sweet indeed. (Full marks to their mum for that!) They’re polite, well mannered… in fact I had one always offering to hold my glass of prosecco every time I needed to run off somewhere (usually the loo!) and the other shamelessly taking selfies with me around the bonfire. Given that he’s 17 and quite macho I was quite impressed! The other one, who is 13, I was rather impressed with as he offered to stay inside with the very scared dog, Bruff, and miss the fireworks so that Bruff’s owner could be outside with the gang. Very kind for him to offer to do that… !

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Selfie with my eldest step son

So it was a perfect evening, and very relaxing – something James and I desperately needed. We don’t often get to go out at weekends with our friends as we always have children but this was an occasion where they could enjoy themselves with our friends too.

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James and I doing a selfie by the fire

I had to of course be aware of how much I was drinking as I didn’t want the boys to see me too tiddly but there was another step mum there, and a ‘real’ mum who were enjoying the bubbles too. I have now learnt how to stay ‘classy’ after a glass or three! 🙂 Although should I be concerned that I am now known as the prosecco queen of selfies ….. ????

I hope everybody else had a lovely bonfire night too. Bring on Guy Fawkes 2017! But next stop…. CHRISTMAS!!!

Lots of love, Lucy xxx

Peter* – name changed